I hope this finds you all well. It’s been some time since I wrote a blog.
This blog is on Depression. I never thought I would have a blog on this, but I find it an important topic to discuss.
First the definition of Depression:
“Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.”
Symptoms of Depression:
◦ Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
◦ Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
◦ Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
◦ Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
◦ Loss of energy or increased fatigue
◦ Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)
◦ Feeling worthless or guilty
◦ Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
◦ Thoughts of death or suicide
So why am I writing a post on Depression? Because I have Depression.
You see, before the girls were born I had a mild depression. Sad here and there, but enough that it required medication.
Fast-forward to January 2010. Kelsey passes away. My depression becomes worse. I am put on a stronger antidepressant. I have been on this medication for over 8 years.
Jump ahead one more time to 2014. Daddy becomes severely ill with his heart. Has several heart surgeries. He recovers, mamma becomes ill. Her Alzheimer becomes really bad. I move in to help take care of her. She has a stroke, and within weeks, she passes away in November 2015. March 2016, my daughter Annie passes away, few months later, my best friend from the 9th grade loses her young son, few months later my cousin takes his life, few months later my other cousin passes, and finally August 2017 my brother in-law passes at the young age of 53. (Sorry had to give a little history)
Know that since Kelsey has passed I have cried every day of my life. Some days more than others, but NEVER a day without crying. I believe this was the beginning of me spiraling out of control. I have been on that same medication for over 8 years.
Now a few weeks ago, I could feel myself spirally out of control. I could not stop crying, I could not be happy. Usually I would have times where I would be more “Down” then usual, but this was different. Ronnie persuades me to go to the doc. I went 2 weeks ago. I have been seeing this doctor for over 30 years. He knows me. As he walked into the room I start crying uncontrollably. BREAK DOWN!!!!!
After being in the office for over 2 hours and him calming me down he has a plan. He tells me I’m going to be his ginny pig. LOL. I agree. He tells me to go and get this form of folic acid that has recently shown to help with depression. It helps that “Fussy Brain” you have. I also become his ginny pig for a genetic testing.
We do the genetic test. Now what this test does is it tells you which medications will help you for depression, anxiety, antipsychotic, and even pain medication prescribed and over the counter. So we do the test.
Trust me, there is a meaning for everything I am writing. I know it is long but stay with me!!!!!
I go for the results of my test. There are 3 categories listed. First column says, these meds WILL help according to your genetics. The second column says, these meds may help but you may need a higher does of them and the 3 column tells you these meds will NOT help you at all.
The antidepressant I am on and have been for over 8 years, lies in column 3. It will NOT help me. Yep, been on an antidepressant for over 8 years that will not help me. No wonder I have come to this point. No wonder I had a breakdown 2 weeks ago.
Now, you have to understand this is by no means my doctors fault. We went with the antidepressant that we thought would help. Unfortunately it was one according to my genetics that doesn’t help me.
I think back a couple years when I tried to take my own life. Yes, for those of you that did not know that, I did. I think about people that have struggled with depression that have taken their lives. If they would have had the genetic test done, could they have been on the wrong medication? Could they be here today if they had the genetic test done?
I know some may say, “If you truly believed in God and trusted him you wouldn’t have to have these medications. You wouldn’t be so depressed. Well, Luke was a doctor and the Lord used him. Who do you think created the doctors in this world to help HIM heal people? Who do you think helped the people that creates medications to help others? The LORD. We are only human. We have flaws. If our bodies didn’t we would live forever on the earth.
So I thank the Lord for giving me, us, these doctors. these test, these medications to help us live this temporary life on this planet. You all know that this isn't’ HOME. Home is in Heaven with the Lord and our loved ones.
So why such the long blog about depression? From a person who has struggled with it and more so in the last 8 years I felt I needed to write this blog. I feel I am on the right path now knowing what medications will help me. I have had a hard time withdrawn from one medication and getting on a new one but I have faith that finally I will be ok. I will be able to live for Courtney and stop living for “What Kelsey would be doing”. That is how I have been living.
Sorry, I have to explain. I know I have been stuck in January 2010. I live for Kelsey and what she would do if she was here. Heck, look at the KDR. I do it for the kids and to save lives, but I also do it because “Kelsey would have done it”. I sleep in her room every night with her blanket, her comforter and her stuff animals. I have things on my bucket list that she had on her. I wear her perfume every day. The list goes on and on. I live for her. I need to start living for Courtney, Ronnie and myself. FINALLY I will be able to do this with God and a the right antidepressant for me.
So, I hope this brings light to depression. I pray that people do not look at it as just a “Mental” illness. And I will take any prayers that I can get, to get me through the next few months.
Lastly I have to share something that my brave and strong Courtney shared with me this morning when I told her that her mamma was crazy. This was her response:
“you’re not crazy!! your mind just thinks being sad is fun. but kylo is more fun, so we need to make your brain be more like kylo. soon, you’ll love belly scratches, demand dinner every night at 5pm EXACTLY, wake dad up by licking his face every morning, and thin sticks are dinner, maybe we should keep you sad. Just kidding.”
What a wonderful daughter. I need to live for her and not live for the past. Not saying I won’t miss my Kelsey, but she is happy in Heaven and I need to be happy for Courtney!!!!
I pray that each and every one of you ask the Lord to come into your heart. That you have the relationship with Him that I have. That you have your PASSPORT. And that we all meet in Heaven one day.