I just got back fromNew York, I had a Teen Safe Driving Coalition meeting there. Courtney came with me. It was nice not having it go by myself. I had a great time spending time with her. And I believe she had fun as well. She made mamma walk at least 15 miles every day. Blisters, sore back and all, we were able to see a lot of things there. I will sometime in my life, go back. Love the city.
I've been having a really hard time lately. I'm not sure why. My heart is ripping out of my chest everyday. I cry myself to sleep every night. I feel like I am in a hole and I can't get out. I live in the past and do not look forward to the future. I've been trying so hard to stop it, but I can't. Kelsey is on my mind 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I can't even look at a picture of her without breaking down. What is wrong with me? I was doing so well.
I read Brian "Head" Welch's. book, "Save Me From Myself" on the plane rides. This book Kelsey read 3 times. I understand her change about God after I read it. I believe that Brian helped my Kelsey go to Heaven by writing this book. If you haven't read it you should pick it up and while you are at it, grab his new book "With My Eyes Wide Open". I'm half way through that.
Maybe this is why I feel this way. Because I didn’t want to read the book. (no offense Brian) Just I knew it changed my Kelsey for the better. And when I was reading it, all I could see in my mind was her sitting on the school bus reading it. (I have a picture of that)
So what am I going to do about where I am right now? I am going to continue to pray and keep reminding myself that God is holding my hand, He is crying when I cry and he is carrying me when I can't walk anymore. I know that He will lead me out of this.
I have to stop living in the past. I have to stop saying "It should of been Kel." I have to stop "dying" a little every day. I have to live in the moment. I have to live for the future. I have to LIVE for Courtney and Ronnie. I have to Live for myself. I have to stop worrying about "who else in my life is going to die?" Who else will I have to bury?
God doesn't want us to worry about what is to come. He wants us to focus on Him and only Him. He will take care of us. He wants us to teach everyone about Him.
Paul says in Philippians 1:21-25
“For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is better. (22) But, if I live, I can do more fruitful work for Christ. So I really don’t know which is better. (23) I’m torn between two desires, I long to go and be with Christ (and Kelsey), which would be far better for me. (24) But for your sakes, it is better that I continue to life. (25) Knowing this, I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help ALL of you grow and experience the joy of your faith.”
I ask for prayers as I go through this time. My head is telling me to “Stop It” and go on, but my heart is telling me I can’t go on and be happy. With your prayers and with Christ holding my hand, I will be able to carry on and do his will.
My prayer to each and every one of you as always is that you ask the Lord to come into your heart. That you have the relationship with him that I have. That we all meet in Heaven one day.”